State of the Union

No, not that one.  The union between me and the lady.  Well, to say she has changed my life would be an understatement.  When we met I was a partying, often to’ out the frame, reckless bachelor.  I had graduated college, had a good job, but didn’t;t have much to show for it besides a lot(I mean ALOT) of debt and a string of two week girlfriends.  Then, there she was, on the couch at a friend’s place.  I thought she was hot but thought nothing of it, I was seeing someone at the time(not seriously) and carried on with the guys.  We all went down to a local hang out for drinks, and it wasn’t;t long before chemistry was taking place.  The fellas had all dispersed to hunt their next kill, and I, being the gentleman i am(ok I just thought she was hot) hung with her and talked all night.  She got a little tipsy(first time out in a while-single mom), so I took her to my place where we fell asleep together after talking(yes this can really happen).  We had Starbucks in the morning and I took her back to her car.  There was an attraction there, but we didn’t;t act on it.   A few days later I was greeted by a message in my myspace inbox thanking me for the good time and taking care of her.  I replied no problem, and from there the communication began.  We found ourselves chatting online, using myspace like instant messenger, and greeting each other with a comment in the morning.  It wasn’t;t long before i made a commitment to her, and from there we took off.  We spent the holidays with each other’s families(and they promptly began planning the wedding), played together, talked, made love, and I started helping her with her little boy.  he is just adorable, and can put a smile on a goblin’s face.  Talk of marriage followed and me becoming a permanent fixture in both their lives.  We were swept away in love’s tsunami to say the least. 

 

From there we would go on to have some fights, arguments, discussions, whatever you want to call them.  She had grown up in an abusive household, witnessed violence against her sisters, and watched her dad cheat on her mom and leave her.  Every man she has dated cheated on her accept one.  Her son;s father cheated on her repeatedly and skipped town to Florida with a new flame.  To say the least, it’s been rough for her.  It’s been rough for me too.  I feel I pay for their mistakes, a night on the town was a return to my partying lifestyle.  A chat with a female friend was a potential affair, and so on.  Through numerous fights, and with much patience she has come to trust me, and we have been moving forward for some time now.  We talk morning and night, go on trips, and love each other deeply. 

 

Our main problems arise through our differences.  I am mixed, black and white, while she is white and from the country.  I am a Judeo-Zen-Jedi(agnostic of sorts) and she is Baptist(Alliance, the liberal ones, thank god).  I grew up in an urban area, she had pet chickens.  I admittedly have caused many a quarrel, and on race I was very much a angry half black man.  But in listening to her, I have calmed down a lot and am so thankful for it.  But at times she doesn’t quite get the whole “black thing” which really isn’t a thing, but somehow in this society it is one.  I worry about raising kids together, and if we can hit that understanding where we are both on the same page.  When it comes to religion, we have talked and I think we have an understanding that will work long term.  We respect each other’s beliefs, we will talk openly, not criticize, and the kids will start off in church.  I told her I would attend as I do like the pastor(I hate the stand up sit down stuff though, and the songs…jesus), but that all bets were off during football season!  lol.  I told her I would never lie to the kids or alter how I talk around them, and she is fine with that, as long as the kids get full exposure to everything and can make their own choice.  I am an extrovert, she’s an introvert, so we have issues from time to time.  I like to dance and have a good time with friends, she shys away from the crowd. 

 

Now I know that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but the funny thing is we compliment each other in a lot of ways.  I have found myself calming down and enjoying a night under the stars.  She surprised me with three nights of salsa lessons since I love to dance so much.  I have Toby Kieth on my IPOD now, and her myspace page has Timbaland.  Her son is still a momma’s boy, but I have him peeing standing up, crashing his power wheel into sticks, and he says I love you at night and holds my hand when we cross the street.   I think if we can get through our differences, we have a lot of potential.  I think we have the love, we just have to get out of our own way. 

 

The big issue right now is finances and the distance between us.  She lives a solid hour away, and my life pre-her was nothing short of a disaster financially.  I can only afford to drive out to see her on weekends, and having a child, a one hour drive for a two hour visit combined with a one hour drive back and her teaching schedule isn’t the easiest venture.  We have been talking of moving in together once my lease is up in October.  Of course, this was before gas doubled to 4.25$/gal.  I drive a Mustang which I still owe on so that drive is a costly one.  Plus, with us still working things through and really seeing if we have what it takes for marriage, I am nervous of moving in together.  We are both high strung in our own ways, and I am a little gunshy(I’ve been cheated on myself) so I want a little time to make sure we are right for each other.  Her son and I are already very close, we love each other, and I don;t want to move in, have him get used to seeing me everyday, and then things not work out with us.  She wants to get married yesterday, and although we have covered a lot of ground in 9 months together, I think we need more time to grow our relationship before moving in together.  I am thinking of getting a studio apt near work that will save money in rent, I can walk to work-save gas $, and has utilities paid for.  This will trim about 500$ a month that I can use to pay off bills with and actually take her out on some dates for a change.  She is a great woman and deserves to be treated like one.  The place has a rooftop pool so the little guy would have a ball, and the saved money would allow me to see her more during the week, but also let me get my credit straight so I could get out of the mustang and into a, *gag*, sedan.   Pardon me while a say a few hail Marys. 

 

I am unsure of what is really the best choice financially, and for our relationship.  It would be great to live together, but with her being so far and gas prices being so brutal, I wouldn’t;t save much unless she let me live there for free, which even if she wanted to, i wouldn’t;t let her do it.  Call it pride, need to be a man, or just stubborn, but i can’t let her do that.  Maybe living together would ease the tensions about not seeing each other, or it could lead to fighting over the differences we haven’t ironed out yet.  I am an engineer so from time to time emergencies do happen and I have to stay late to oversee things.  I am also going to grad school to get my MBA which will occupy me two nights a week until 10PM, then leave me with a five minute drive if I stay in the city, or an hour drive if I move in with her.  Then back up at 5am to drive in to work, shake, repeat.  She teaches, so once married, she would be fine with moving closer to work since she could get a job locally.  Her son loves being outside so we would still need some land, but we could get the commute down to 30 mins which is much more livable.  I ultimately think the next 6-8 months will determine if we have what it takes to be married.  I have seen so many friends and couples go through heart ache and pain by rushing into things.  I think we just need a little more time to evaluate things, to be in love, and to overcome our differences.  if we can do that, I think we can go the distance.

 

But let me say, i love this woman.  I never knew how much I could love till now.  When feeling down, I look at her pictures, or think of late nights playing scrabble, and smile.  She has stood by me while I work to get my finances together, and she brings me food from her dad’s farm to help ease my food costs.  We have differences, but she is really trying, and because of her i am better today than I was when we first met.  I want this to work, I want to be her knight in shining armor, to cook for her when she is sick, and to help her raise her son.  He acts like me and helps me wash my car.  We clean the house together, bicker like little kids, and count together doing push ups.  What’s wild is he is 2 and a 1/2, and he and I have bond already.  He calls me “dad jon” sometimes and when my love and I are right, we feel like a family, and i love that.  I feel like we need a little more time to make sure that she and I are in love, and that we aren’t in love with the idea of a family together.  She lives in a small town, and people living together unwed is frowned upon.  She gets a lot of grief over her son and isn’t treated the same as the other teachers, and it is really wrong and pisses me off.  I am not sure we are ready for engagement, and I can’t afford a ring right now(I know, I suck, but I am trying to get things right) and us living together would cause her trouble with her family and in the community.  I also think she is still recovering from her ex leaving her and her son, even though she says she is fine.  But I can still feel so much anger there, and at times sadness, I think she still needs time.  She wants to be there, and I do miss her when we are apart, but is waiting another year such a bad idea?  Honestly, I envision us working things through(i truly hope we can), me proposing by summertime, and planning the wedding for the following summer, with me moving into her house when my lease would be up.  Am I doing the right thing, or do I sound like I am a commitment-phobe?  I want to do what is best for her, me, us, and her son.  Any help is appreciated in shedding light on this wonderful dilemna. 

~ by jonb81 on August 1, 2008.