Well, How Would You Take This?

So, as you may know my girlfriend and I broke up.  Shall I say I broke up with her.  We had hit this wall where we weren’t growing anymore, but I held out hope that maybe apart we could work on things and start talking about our problems more productively.  For two weeks I basically received the riot act where she accused me of not being responsible, of just dropping her and moving on easily, and of never really having loved her.  We had moments where we didn’t yell, but it was bumpy to say the least.  I went to her place to get things a couple Sundays back and we talked and I wound up staying the night. 

So my confession:  I have trust issues because of a previous relationship and I looked through her cell phone to check on some concerns I was picking up on.  I know it was wrong, reprehensible, and a breach of trust, but I just had this bad feeling.  What I found nearly gave me a heart attack.

1.  The morning we broke up, I left and a few minutes later received a text message saying “I need to talk to you.”  I called, and she said that wasn’t meant for you.  Pissed, I said tell Brandon(her ex) I said hi and hung up.  She texted me back saying she meant to send it to her sister Kari.  When I checked her phone, she sent it to me, and then immediately sent it to Brandon.  Lie #1.

     Her Side:  He’s my friend, and it is none of your business

2.  The day after she called me and we talked, and she mentioned some guy from a teacher camp last summer had called her since he found out she was single and asked her out.  She declined saying she didn’t want to date yet.  After checking her phone, she actually texted him first, and since he was having trouble with his girl, she invited him out to talk about it.  Lie # 2. 

     Her Side:  She was only joking, and yes she flirted, she was hurt and liked the attention

3.  She said they hung out with her friend Robin and that nothing happened.  The truth is they were both flirting with each other and she made a pass at him that Friday night when out.  She sent him several messages apologizing for being forward and making a move.  Lie #3.

     Her Side:  I had a bit too much to drink and it was only words, nothing happened. 

4.  She sent text messages to Jim, a guy she dated last summer, asking him to hang out and saying she missed him a couple hours after we broke up. 

     Her Side:  They have been friends since they dated and she just wanted to get away

5.  She called Aaron, a guy she has known for years and apparently they have kissed when drunk a few times.  She then texted him saying it was great talking and she missed him too. 

     Her Side:  He is just a friend and you have met him

6.  Saturday two weeks after we have been apart, she calls and asks if I wanted to come over for sex(thunderstorms work her up), I declined, saying I already had plans with friends and that I didn’t;t think that was a good idea.  She agreed and quickly got off the phone.  When I looked in her phone, after calling me she sent Brandon(Noah’s dad) a text saying “I want you so bad” and “Come back.” 

     Her Side:  I was just joking, it didn’t mean anything 

7.  She then sent a message saying to him “I miss you and love you so much, I can’t wait for our weekend together.”  The next message sent said “I got us a room.”  “Do you still want to do our weekend together” was another one.  Then the last said “I don’t care to speak to you, but you should talk to your son.”

     Her Side:  She was speaking to him as if she was Noah, son to father, and that they were   all going to meet so Brandon and Noah could see each other(we are in VA, he in FL)

Of course, my heart went through my chest.  The woman I love had more or less sent a text message or talked to every guy she has dated or been with within a years time within 24 hours of us breaking up.  I know i was wrong to snoop, I know it is a low thing to do.  But I just freaked out, especially after how much of a hard time she had been giving me.  I did something even more dastardly and called the ex.  I know, horrible.  I told him that I wanted to work things out with her, that I loved Noah, but that I needed some answers.  He told me he thought I was great for Noah and that he didn’t mind because he wants what’s best for him.  In my conversation with him I found out:

She calls him constantly, morning, day, and night.  She always says it is about Noah and trying to keep Brandon involved.  He told me he has told her not to call so much because it is upsetting his current girlfriend and that it was a little excessive.  6AM, 7AM, 9PM, just non stop.  He told me last summer they had been apart and back together several times, and that while she was dating this guy I know Max, he and her were working on things and were intimate.  I happen to know she was intimate with Max, and come to find out she lied to Brandon about this saying they were only friends. 

Of course she is calling him non stop over the next few days, and in irritation, he told her we had talked.  Which as you can imagine, and rightfully so, was just this side of Armageddon.  I know what I did was terrible and disgusting, but at the same time I felt it was the only way to get the truth.  Her and I have been dealing with this since then, and last night we got together and I helped her with Noah since he was sick, her and I worked in the yard, and I bought us some pizza.  It really was wonderful and a reminder of why we fell in love.  We did not make love since it is her time of the month, but we did sleep together and things felt like we might get them back on track with some time, better communication, and hard work.  I know it all sounds crazy, but I do love the woman, and I love her son as my own.  Because of that, I felt it was worth the hard work to try.  I told her no matter what I would be there in his life to be a friend if nothing else. 

This morning, she left her email open and I took a peak(again, wrong, I know, but lies….) and she had sent him this last Thursday:

 

 

 

%%(This is an excerpt from one of mssinglemamas blogs that I sent her trying to explain my point of view about being a father)%%

So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.
Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.” 
Just like that.
No conversation, no “I have something important to tell you.” Nope. Nothing surrounded the sentence, no mention of Benjamin or when he would see him. Chicago is six hours away from here. 
“Oh, really?” I ask calmly. “Why?”
“My company has a great job for me there, I’ll make twice as much as I make now.”
“What about Benjamin?”

“Yeah. That sucks… but I won’t be able to make any money here. I will be stuck here for five years and never make more money.”

 ##Here’s the killer##

This is how I feel Brandon.  When you just left, without talking to me about it or thinking about our son.  I love you.  I want more than anything to be a family with you.  I want to be what we were all over again.  Painting the shutters at night, ripping up the carpet, painting the ENTIRE house, yardwork.  I want it all back.  But the reality of the situation is that we may not ever get that back. You have found someone who makes you happy, and believe it or not, that is what I want for you.  I want you to experience happiness, even if it is without me.  I also want you to know your son and keep his heart in mind.  He loves you….he needs you.  I love you…I need you.  But we are okay without you too.  Please, look in your heart and follow it for once in your life. 

To me, this clearly expresses her true feelings for him ,and that it is not just about her son.  I feel devastated, betrayed, and destroyed, because just last night she said she loved me and things seemed so happy.  She sent this last Thursday after we fought about me calling him.  How do I even approach her about this.  Does this sound like just a mom trying to keep her child’s father involved?  I love this woman, I do.  But I just can’t imagine this being something innocent.

Now, her dad did cheat on her mom and abandon them when she was young.  Every man she has dated has cheated on her except ofr me.  She wasmolested by an older man when younger also.  So I know she has some real issues that need addressing.  I have mentioned htis and offered to go to counseling with her, but this has only led to fighting. 

What should I do at this point?  I wonder if htis is related to her past with her dad and boyfriends, or how she really feels.  I know she loves me, but it just seems like to me, she loves someone more and that I am what she settles for.  I think she loves what I am to her and Noah more than she loves who I am.  I feel like a fool.  How do I confront her on this?  Or should I?  SHould I just disappear from her life?  Should I confront her and demand we go to counseling?  I feel lost.  I know the rationale thought is to say screw her and get the hell away from her for good.  But I feel so much love, and worry that if this is tied to her past, then it will put Noah in a less than ideal situation with her chasing Brandon while simultaneously dating men just to have a man around. 

The compassionate part of me wants to think this could be worked through.  My love is screaming in the background, trying to drown out my reasoning.  My mind is saying, forward the email to her entire family and co-workers so they all know what she is and that you didn;t do this.  The mature, bigger part of ymself is sayign just walk away, delete the myspace.  Delete the phone number.  Get your key.  Vanish. 

It is shockingly painful to feel this way.  It hurts beyond measure to know if I walk, I am cutting Slim out forever.  He needs a good male role model.  He needs a friend.  His dad is scum.  She is, well, I love her, so I won;t say anything negative.  For the time being I sit in shock.  Soon enough, I will have to act.

~ by jonb81 on September 15, 2008.